Week Ten - "Complete Metabolic Remission"

I think this is the biggest gap between blogs so far and being totally honest, I haven't really known what to write. I've had a very surreal few weeks. 

I've spent most of it utterly convinced the doctors showed me the wrong scan results. It must have been someone else right? I'd only had four treatments before the scan, how could it possibly have vanquished the cancer that quickly? 

From the minute you get diagnosed, everything (and I mean everything) becomes about cancer. We spend our lives being told on those difficult adverts which we don't really watch because we either find it too hard or just refuse to accept the fact that one in two of us will get it. But unless you know someone who has been through it before, you know nothing about it. I certainly didn't.

It is all consuming. Your treatment, what it does to your body (and hair!), what foods you can't eat, what things you can't do. Never mind the big question; can I beat it? Will I get better? It is a constant. Every waking minute. 

It shapes your life in a way few other things could ever do. How can you plan something next summer when there is a chance you'll either not be well enough or not be here? It is a dark shadow that is always there. No matter how reasonable and logical you are, it gnaws at you. It is the single hardest thing I've ever had to do. It is enormous.

So yeh, it is quite the thing to deal with. 

At the time of writing, it is 103 days since we found out. It both feels like 100003 days and 13 days. 

And then BAM! You're going to be ok.

I'm what?

You're going to be ok.

If you thought getting the diagnosis and everything that entails was difficult to digest, being told I was ok was arguably an even bigger head fuck. 

I am, of course, utterly thrilled. It is the best news I have ever, and will likely ever receive. It is the biggest relief imaginable.

But I'd be lying if I hadn't felt guilty in the last few weeks. Is it too strong to call it survivors guilt? Maybe, I don't know.

I was simultaneously very unlucky to be a fit, healthy, marathon running 32 year old who got cancer, and very lucky to have a cancer that was 90% curable at a relatively early stage.

In my head, I got unlucky with one coin toss and lucky with another. Simple as that. 

During my treatment sessions, I sit opposite people who haven't been so lucky. People who are having treatment everyday or for countless hours at once to try and combat their cancers, sometimes only just to get a few more months. One of my earliest friends growing up lost her life in her twenties to this horrible disease, shortly after getting married and having everything to look forward to. This is happening every single day, everywhere.

And I got lucky. 

How is it fair?

It is hard to deal with.

It is something I think I will carry with me for the rest of my life. 

I hope I can help people going through similar in the future - because I desperately want to help others who are dealing with this battle, but also as a small nod to gods of fate. 

To finish this section, I received a letter from the consultant a few days ago which was filled with the normal mumbo jumbo medical jargon that it usually is, but it also said this:

"Confirmed complete metabolic remission."

I still don't quite believe it.

***

In other news, round six starts tomorrow - that is HALF WAY ladies and gents. 

I went in to round five a few weeks ago the day after the scan results, so it is fair to say I bounced in to Bay Two. I had a lovely nurse called Edith who came from Zimbabwe. I showed her my scan within about 15 seconds of sitting down and she thanked me (thanked ME!?) for showing her as they don't always get the positive news. So that was a nice moment.

Didn't stop her using the stickiest tape in the world on the hairy part of my arm for an impromptu waxing mind you.

As mentioned last time, the success of the treatment so far meant the vicious Bleomycin was removed from the treatment and I definitely noticed a change in how (don't you know that you're) toxic I felt. Whilst the good old hungover stomach lingered as ever, it was better than the previous rounds. Here's hoping the same can be said for round six, as I've got a turkey with my name on it on Christmas Day and I'd hate to disappoint him.

I feel like I'm in a bit of a funny place at the moment - I've been told I'm essentially cured, but still have to go through seven more treatments. That is a lot. I have to walk past the bell six more times before I get to ring it in March. But after tomorrow we are on the back nine of this process, which can only be good news.

With that said, the priority from the consultant is to protect my immune system. I have a blood test before each round of treatment to make sure I am well enough to take the drugs and so far so good. 

My last white blood cell count was 3.04 which is below what it should normally be (4.0 - 11.0) which means I am immunosuppressed but it has levelled off at around this level after a very low one early November. So all this Covid nonsense is not good news (get your boosters!), not forgetting normal winter colds and the like, so we're very much continuing to be careful. 

In other news, I have fully embraced the shaved head and even bought some crew cut clippers so I can keep on top of it. Bizarrely, it is sort of growing again... but in a wispy, brittle way, particularly on the sides. It might be that the Bleomycin was culprit behind it falling out as there was far less coming out this time which is a relief. I can relatively pull off a one all over, I really don't fancy going full baldy.

(No offence to the baldies). 

So the plan is to keep it short for now and see how it's doing in the Spring. Hopefully by then, my rich, dark curls will be in the post.

The JustGiving page has hit the incredible heights of over £2,300 - thank you to everyone who has donated, each pound (and dollar!) has meant so much. We've got big plans for 2022 and beyond to support Lymphoma Action and truly make the very most of the roll of the dice.

Thank you for reading and for your continued support - have a happy, healthy and safe Christmas! 

Round six begins in the morning.